A satirical Classics column · From the archive The ArchiveSubmit

Scrolls & Trolls

Report · Streaming

Your monthly listeners report on Spotify, @TheSirens!

“None of your listeners have gone home.”

Cover plate: the Sirens vase in the British Museum, cropped to the ship and the bird-women, captioned “100% completion rate” and “0 returning listeners.”

Bio: Previously competed and won against “The Muses” in Olympus Centennial Top 100 chart.

OVERVIEW

Listeners214,880
Streams214,880
Followers214,880
Completion rate100%
Skip rate0%
Avg. listening timeindefinite
Returning listeners0

FAQ: Spotify defines a “returning listener” as someone who listens again after going home. None of your listeners have gone home. This metric is N/A to you.

Top track: Come Here, y/n.
214,880 streams

AI Overview: This track uses dynamic personalization—each listener hears their own name in the first line—the song promises the listener that they’ll leave knowing more than when they arrived—and describes—in full—everything they personally went through at Troy—most listeners report that it felt like it was written just for them—which is because it was.

Listener retention

100% from 0:00 to 2:22 throughout.

Audience Gender: 100% male (sailors)
Audience Age: Previously 18–45. Current ages unavailable.

Competing artist: Orpheus played over your track on the ship Argo, and the entire crew switched to his set. One listener, Butes, switched back and jumped overboard. He was rescued by Aphrodite and relocated to Sicily. He did not return home, so he does not count as a returning listener.

Listening now: 1 listener
@Odysseus, Listening on: Mast

§  A piece from Scrolls & Trolls, posted September 5, 2026. Written by Jenna Z Liang.

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